Spring Break!

Hola Amigros! That's right suckers! It's your ol' buddy, Lance, commin' back atchya' with a whole new rap for 2010! Heeel yeah, boy! It's been a while since I laid it on ya', but that's no 'cuz I ain't been up to nothin'! Heeel no, boyz! Ol' Lance has hisself an old lady! Yessir! An' man is she a pistol. She keeps me on the straight an' narrow, I tell ya. Like June Carter with ol' Johnny Cash, boy! But that don't mean we don't have no fun. Heeel No, sucka! Just check out this pic of us down on Padre island last month. Am I lookin' Gooooo-ooood, or what?!?! An' jus check out that little number in the towel on my lap.

hehehehe

Ol' lance was on the nudy beach, boyz! an' that's a fact! Heel Yeah!

An' jus wait until I show you my new project up here in D-Town...

2010 man, time to ROCK!

Pontiac's friggin' Rule! - by Lance

Hola Amigro's! Ol' Lance was totaly bummed out when I heard that GM would be ditchin' their Pontiac division today. I mean, who else out there is gonna step it up and build *Excitement*, man?! Dude, here it is, Pontiac builds excitement, and everyone else builds excrement, that's what I say! You think I'm kidding due to my well known alligiance to the Jeep label? Well Jokes On You, sucka! Ol' Lance is a Trans-Am dude from WAYYYY BACK, Bro! Wayyyyy Back! Just check out this shot of my old 78' "Bandit". Dude - this thing *SMOKED*.
Yeah, Man! I rolled this beauty back at Hank Williams Jr. High School. I was 23 mind you, but you gotta LOVE THEM HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS! Yeah buddy! And they dug Lance and the Tranny! Woo-hoo! I used to have them leather seats burnin' up on a Saturday night, boy! Shooot, I miss that baby more than anything. See, it turns out I knocked one of them girlies up in that bad boy's back seat, man! Her Dad was so pissed, he made me a deal. I give him five grand and promise never to see his daughter again, and I was off the hook for tyhe kid! Dude! You think I jumped on that shit or what?! Damn boy! Not every day you get a 'get out of jail free' card laid on ya like that. The only bummer was that seein' as I was sorta in between work at that time, I had to sell the Bandit to pay off that chick's dad, man. Man, I was SOOOOO BUMBED OUT, man!

Hank's Ford Focus up for grabs.

Howdy fools! I got some GREAT news to share today, boy! My ol' buddy Hank has finally pulled the triger on that Ford he has, and decided to put that piece on the block! Ha! It's actually in decent shape, for a weeny 2WD wagon. When we first met, I was like, "whoa bro, that's your wife's car, right?!" If it hadn't been for all the beers he bought down at El Rancho Bar here in D-town, that mighta been it. So dude comes to ol' Lance last week and is like, "Dude, you know a lot of shit about cars, right? OK, well how should I word the add to make this thing move?" Ho Ho! Now this is a task that is custom made for Lance!!















First off, I think that the strengths of the car should be brought to light - Like the Bitchin' Tint. That dark-assed aftermarket stuff from A-Z is P-I-M-P. Like how can a dude like Hank make such a boner of a call on the vehicle, and then such a SAhweeet call on the tint-job? Second, highlight the features that the car brings to your prospective buyers. Since this a tiny wagon, my guess is that someone is going to buy it for their kid. Tell them that the back seat is this sucker is *FAR TOO SMALL* for their daughter to get knocked-up in. Third, go for the econimic reasons. Since the tiny 4-banger in this ride puts out 45 horses, tell them about the 30mpg on the highway, and remind them of the tradgedy that struck last summer when gas here in D-Town hit $4 per gallon, and ol' Lance had to choose between a gallon of Wild turkey, and an extra couple of gallons for the Honcho. Rough times, dude.

Anyway, if that don't sell this thing, than nothing will!

Pontiac Aztek's friggin' rule! - by Lance

Hola Sucka's! That's right, it's your old boy, Lance back to clear a couple of things up. First off, it has come to my attention that some out there don't think that I am, in fact, real. These people think I am some kind of figment of Hank's imagination, based loosely on that mad genius, Jim Anchower. Well guess what fools, Lance and the Honcho are as realer than the Real-Deal Holifield, you know what I'm saying?!?

And while I'm at it, that Anchower is just some punk-assed burn out, man. Not a class act like yours truly. Please, the fool drives a Festiva for crissakes. The Honcho would ROLL OVER that piece, man! No dude that calls himself a dude can drive some sucker-assed tincan like that, man! HA! Like today coming in to the shop, I saw this dude driving a "newer used" Pontiac Aztek, man. I was like, "Woah sucker - be careful driving all that *EXCITEMENT*, man! Pull over! Pull Over!" Unfortunatly, the dude was obviously blinded by all the cladding on that thing, and unable to properly "Feel the Excitment" the obviously radiated from his funky-assed Aztek. See ,that's what I'm saying, man. Some dudes just don't get it, man. Driving one of these things is like wearing an "MC Hammer" T-shirt and Flava-Flav clock around, man. Serious signs of being seriously misguided, man. I think the Dali Lama said that.

Van Morrison - Astral Weeks 180gm Vinyl 2008 Re-issue

If you are any kind of "Van Fan", or dig the vinyl, you'd better go and shell out the 20 clams for the 180gm vinyl re-issue of this masterwork. It has the power and beauty the likes of which are rarely seen in an artists early works - Bobby Dylan's 'Blonde on Blonde' comes to mind - and a quality of sound... liquid smooth on the front with a dry finish, like a well crafted mellow red wine.

Lance was saying it reminded him of Iron Maiden's seminal release, 'Killers', and also (and I quote) "it kicks frickin' ass, man, just like Metallica on 'Ride the Lightning', Man!". I haven't heard the Maiden in a LONG TIME (I owned it on tape in the 80's...) but I guess I'll have to check it out again.

For Sale: RACE CARS! (Farmington)

Yee-Haw! Ol' Lance here, with another reason I LOVE the four corners! Check out this, amigro's! From the Farmington Craigslist: Race cars for sale, man! Heeeeeelll Yeah! Some poor bastard is caving to his nagging wife, and selling these beauties for a steal, man, a STEAL. $2800 bones for these honies! Man, if it weren't for this econimic downturn taking it's toll on ol' Lance's finances, man, I'd be on these tighter than knickers on a nun's ass.

And check the sweet paint job. It totally reminds me of my old "Stryper" albums. Man - that was some fierce rock. I bet I could smoke some fools down at the track after I pimped this baby "Lance Style" while Rockin' some Stryper. Heeeelll yeah...

'Close to the Edge' Frickin' Rocks! - By Lance.

HOLA SPACE FANZ! You know I'm back when you see this smilin' face! Yee-haw! Lance back at ya with a special release by request from my boy, Hank. Man - I hadn't seen these albums in years man, I mean years, until he busted them out today while we were wrenchin' on the jeep. You see, a few years back there was a tragic fire at my Mom's place, and the SAHWEEEEEET vinyl collection that ol' Lance had packed in over the years went up like a freakin' volcano, man! It took two days to put that shyte out - like a frickin' tire fire or somethin'. Man, I was BUMMED OUT, man! But that's the bad old days, and it's good their in my past.
When I saw this sitting on the shelf, man, I HAD TO ROCK IT IMMEDIATELY. I didn't pass go, I didn't go to Park Place, man, I threw that shit on and CRANKED IT UP! Yeah man! Back in the day, man, I used to BLAZE HEAVY to this album man! I mean, back in those days, we didn't mess around with anything besides the Mexican Red, man. Yeah - those fine red hairs over those small sticky nugs. Man, High School RULED! And any YES album was the sure fire way to guaranty a sweet ride on the Red, man. I don't even know what those dudes were singing about man! All those weird lyrics about the ancient times and things, man... YES rulez!

383 stroker small block chevy engine for sale

Howdy Y'all! Ol' Lance hittin' ya up on Friday with a *PRIMO* deal for the wise and thrifty amongst you. Behold - A Lance Classic, hand re-built BEAUTY of a power house! Heeel Yeah!, a Chevy 383 Stroker, ready to pimp your ride, Ta - Day! C'mon, I know you've been itchin' to get the old Chevy Step-Side back in action... you know, the one you call, "Little Bandit" or "Leeeetle Mule", or "Red". Well here's your golden opportunity! Just look at this piece of art. Think it reeks of speed? Buddy, this thing stinks like a fart in church when it comes to speed. Think it's got pull? Dude, this sucker's got more pull than Pee-wee at the Playhouse. And for the sweet special price of $2500, it can be yours. This won't be hangin' around long, as people around D-Town know - Lance builds 'em up right!

For Sale: Land Tamer Snow Cat

Hola Suckers! It's gettin' towards the time of year where ol' Lance is doing hisself a little Christmas Shopping. I bet you're wonderin' where a dude like Lance shops. We'll amigro, I'll let you in on my secret. Craigslist baby! Heeel yeah! There's more hot deals to be found there than at Pick n' Pull on "Half-off Wednesday". And just *LOOK* at what I found on the local D-Town list Ta-day! Dude - if you check the description here, you might notice that this thing COMES WITH PADDLES, MAN! I mean, this sucker FLOATS! I love the Honcho and all, but that baby would sink like a stone. This little beast has options for 8 MORE WHEELS and two different styles of track for winter trippin'! Man, I haven't been this excited about a machine since my neighbor put that for sale sign up on his '79 Ford Ranchero.

G n f'n R Album released!

Hola Amigro's! Yo soy "El LanceO" y mi gusto Rock n' Roll!

Heeeel yeah bro! G n' F'n R! Back in the saddle with some ass-kicking rock! I can't wait to go get this thing. I'll have to roll to Farmington in the Honcho though - dude, it's on sale for only 11 bones down at best Buy! Can't beat that, even with a stick. So I told you about the tape deck in the Honcho eating my "Lies" tape, right? Well, good thing it did, 'cause I replaced that sucker with a fly KRACO brand CD player from parts world here in D-Town. Yeah baby. That thing pumps! Dude - only $19! Lance is down with the deal, pardner!

Lance's Presidential Endorsement

All right - It's down to the bottom of this campaign season, and I thought y'all might like to hear what this "Joe Six-pack" has to say on things. I mean, guys like me, we aren't used to getting the nod from total babes like that crazy hot govenor of Alaska. And man, she speaks to me, you know?! Lance doesn't need a translator to hear what she's sayin' when she talks about real American's. Heel yeah bro! Lance is down with that kind of talk. But I have to say that what really got me was this picture below. It is the highschool yearbook photo of palin's Daughter, and her totally righteous boyfriend. Dude reminds me of what i was like back then. Too bad I didn't have a totally hot girlfriend, bun in the oven or not.
Yeah - check that dude's style. Smooth Operator for sure.

G n f'n R Album to be released!

Check it out, Hombres! It's Lance Rappin' your airwaves once again. And, man, I have got some KILLER good news! After a seventeen year drought, G n' F'n R is comming through with some new rock! And just in time too, man! You know I love the honcho, but that bastard ATE MY "LIES" tape last week. Yeah man, can you believe it?! I musta' got some dust in the cassette deck when I was rollin' that beauty down in New Mex a few weeks back. Man, was I bummed about loosing that classic. You know I'm rockin' it when those tunes come on. Here's what I am catchin' about the Album so far, "The album, “Chinese Democracy,” will go on sale Nov. 23 at Best Buy stores and online as part of an exclusive deal, the chain and Guns N’ Roses’ record label, Geffen, announced, confirming rumors that have been circulating in the music press for weeks. It will be the first new album in 17 years by the band, which has sold more than 42 million albums in the United States, according to the Recording Industry Association of America."

17 years, man! I mean, I used to rock it back in High School to that noise. Hell Yeah - those were the daze... Cool times, cool cars, cool bros, and "Sweet Child o' Mine" blasting on the Boom box. I even found a sweet photo for ya from my senior year. Hank Williams Jr., High School, class of '93. You can pretty much tell from this picture that I totally rocked it back then.

4x4 Van w/ mattracks - Sweetness!

Hola Amig-ros! Lance hittin' ya up on a Tuesday with some vehicular glory that popped up on the local D-Town craigslist the other day. To begin with, CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS SHIT?! It's frickin' bold, and it's frickin' beautiful. Not only is it a 4 wheel drive van with lift, but it has mattracks as well! The Hombre who built up this unit sure knew wha the was doin'. If I met this guy on the street I'd tell it to him straight, "Lance is impressed, DUDE!"

1970 F-650 6-Wheel Flatbed MONSTER!

Hey y'all! I'm back again. Got hooked up on the magic of this thing called the In-Ter-Net, and my favorte site is craigslist. Man, people will try and sell ANYTHING on this site. Check, for instance, this veteran workhorse pictured below.
This dude is asking $1500 for this *piece*. I'm more of a Honcho kind of guy, but I'd be in to this BEASTif it weren't for this line in the add: "needs a full day to get brakes released and engine running". Lance's time is precious dude! Fix your own crap, then call you call me, 'cause that's how I roll!

'63 Jeep Wagon W/ PLOW!

Yo Check it! This is Lance commin' at ya. Been a while since I rapped y'all, but I coulnd't help myself after I saw this little beauty listed on craigslist yesterday. Check it out Bro! A '63 Jeep WIT PLOW! Oh - yeah daddy. THis is one *SWEET* machine for sure! Solid steel axels, 'pumpkin-in-the-knuckle' 4 wheel drive... Man, I get excited just talking about this beauty.
It's up for grab's out a Harper's Repair here in D-Town. I'd take it off this dude's hands pronto, but I don't have the $2500 bones he's lookin' for. Screamin' deal on such a classic too!! Too bad my Honcho went tis up on me last time I had her out in the desert. Gotta drop a new tranny in that girl and get her back in business.

El Gato Y Lance.

Check it - Found this shot of my good buddy "El Gato" from a couple of summers ago. I showed this to Lance and he was like, "Dude, nice frickin' chops dude!".

The fabeled JEEP HONCHO

I was talking about this truck over the weekend, and realized it was pretty rare. Apparently it was an upgrade package to the standard Jeep Gladiator pickup that was offered between 1976 - 1982. I believe this is also known as "The Dark Years" of the AMC motor company. In the picture below you can see more detail of the optional "Honcho" decal, popular amongst most owners of this vehicle. Not pictured is the factory installed C.B. unit in the cab.

This guy here owns hisself a honcho.

You can also see a video of some dude firing up his Honcho here. It's the sweetness.