Monday, April 27, 2009

Pontiac's friggin' Rule! - by Lance

Hola Amigro's! Ol' Lance was totaly bummed out when I heard that GM would be ditchin' their Pontiac division today. I mean, who else out there is gonna step it up and build *Excitement*, man?! Dude, here it is, Pontiac builds excitement, and everyone else builds excrement, that's what I say! You think I'm kidding due to my well known alligiance to the Jeep label? Well Jokes On You, sucka! Ol' Lance is a Trans-Am dude from WAYYYY BACK, Bro! Wayyyyy Back! Just check out this shot of my old 78' "Bandit". Dude - this thing *SMOKED*.
Yeah, Man! I rolled this beauty back at Hank Williams Jr. High School. I was 23 mind you, but you gotta LOVE THEM HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS! Yeah buddy! And they dug Lance and the Tranny! Woo-hoo! I used to have them leather seats burnin' up on a Saturday night, boy! Shooot, I miss that baby more than anything. See, it turns out I knocked one of them girlies up in that bad boy's back seat, man! Her Dad was so pissed, he made me a deal. I give him five grand and promise never to see his daughter again, and I was off the hook for tyhe kid! Dude! You think I jumped on that shit or what?! Damn boy! Not every day you get a 'get out of jail free' card laid on ya like that. The only bummer was that seein' as I was sorta in between work at that time, I had to sell the Bandit to pay off that chick's dad, man. Man, I was SOOOOO BUMBED OUT, man!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

"Obama to invite Middle East Heads"

Yeah - that was the headline on BBC today. So I got to thinking, what would a middle-eastern "Head" look like. Since I couldn't find any good shots of authentic HashHashin's (and a goolge on "assassin" turns up an infinite amount of video game still shots), I'll settle on this guy as my image of a "Middle Eastern Head". Dude is huge into Mitayshu, Hashasish, Opium, Harems, Huka's, rugs, and has every Spice Girl Release on tape, including the casette singles. Pillows belong on the floor, and Babba ganoush is *THE BEST* for curing the munchies that come with the stone caused by super high-grade weed from the Hindu Kush. Seriously, homeboy sort of looks like an 80's Kenny Loggin's converted to Islam, right? Actually, this may have been from the Loggins&Messina Yacht Tour of Turkey back in '81. Dude had no idea he'd be goin to the danger zone by '86.

Thursday, April 16, 2009


If you haven't seen this yet, better rent it this weekend:

Make ze Road to ze Mountain fur ze Ski!

Guten TAG, Mein Herr. Ich bin Guenter von Weisswurst, und I have somezing zat I must zay to you. In ze local newspaper, I have noticed zat you Americans are confused about ze proper development zat is needed to make ze proper experience for ze ski. You see, in Baden Wissenschiflichesgekeit, we have long understood that ze paved road to ze base of ze mountain and many of ze chalets is ze proper way to create ze perfect environment for ze ski. I see in ze paper zat you fools are trying to stop ze building of ze chalet at ze resort called Wulf Creek. Vat is zis Madness? Do you not understand zat ze only way to properly get to ze mountain is in ze rear-wheel drive touring coupe, like my ZuperFantastiche B M V? Zees fools zat drive zees klutzkopf sport utilities do not zee zat vis ze addition of ze paved roads and ze heated parking, zer experience of ze ski would be much besser! Vee in Baden Wissenschliflichesgekeit love ze natur, and have been imprrrroving upon it fur centuries! Zis is why unserer mountain is ze best on ze Hungro-Austrian border!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Hank's Ford Focus up for grabs.

Howdy fools! I got some GREAT news to share today, boy! My ol' buddy Hank has finally pulled the triger on that Ford he has, and decided to put that piece on the block! Ha! It's actually in decent shape, for a weeny 2WD wagon. When we first met, I was like, "whoa bro, that's your wife's car, right?!" If it hadn't been for all the beers he bought down at El Rancho Bar here in D-town, that mighta been it. So dude comes to ol' Lance last week and is like, "Dude, you know a lot of shit about cars, right? OK, well how should I word the add to make this thing move?" Ho Ho! Now this is a task that is custom made for Lance!!

First off, I think that the strengths of the car should be brought to light - Like the Bitchin' Tint. That dark-assed aftermarket stuff from A-Z is P-I-M-P. Like how can a dude like Hank make such a boner of a call on the vehicle, and then such a SAhweeet call on the tint-job? Second, highlight the features that the car brings to your prospective buyers. Since this a tiny wagon, my guess is that someone is going to buy it for their kid. Tell them that the back seat is this sucker is *FAR TOO SMALL* for their daughter to get knocked-up in. Third, go for the econimic reasons. Since the tiny 4-banger in this ride puts out 45 horses, tell them about the 30mpg on the highway, and remind them of the tradgedy that struck last summer when gas here in D-Town hit $4 per gallon, and ol' Lance had to choose between a gallon of Wild turkey, and an extra couple of gallons for the Honcho. Rough times, dude.

Anyway, if that don't sell this thing, than nothing will!

Friday, April 10, 2009

The Best Bar in America, coming soon.

Thoreau and Kerouac, Then and Now.

One of the greater disappointments of the last year was my recent attempts to re-read several books that I had found to be very profound 10-15 years ago, in hopes of pulling new wisdom from the pages. The theory was that I know have a some experience to use as a lens which should allow me to pick out detail and ideas that may have been lost on me as a younger man.

The results we're depressing. Rather than finding hidden gems of knowledge, I realized that these guys we're remarkably niave. I guess back in the day, a road trip to San Francisco seemed romantic. At this point, it sounds fun, but kind of mundane. "Yippeee - drive across the country on speed again". yawn.

I'll admit that growing up camping in Minnesota, I always thought Thoreau was a pussy. That said, his ideas about the 'good life' we're intriguing, and probably make up part of who I am today. With that said, at this point, the act of buying a bucket of nails and a sack of potato's and heading 20 miles from town to live in the bush is kinda weak.

So my advice is to read "On the Road", "Dharma Bums", "Walden", and some others before you have done anything interesting - like when you're in College. That's a great time for this goof-ball shit. Get the blood boiling for some adventure "out there"!

And having read what I just wrote.... I guess the books worked!!!