Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Kearney, Nebraska - a vacation paradise!

Wow - forget Iowa. if you find yourself looking to take a fine midwest vacation this winter, why not consider lovely Kearney, Nebraska. Centrally located in the middle of nowhere along the Platte River, picturesque Kearney guarantees to deliver a true midwest experience. With nothing for 400 miles to block the wind, you can bet it'll feel like winter outside, as you stay nice and warm in your room at one of the many fine hotels here in town. Want a Super 8, Comfort Inn, Motel 6, Days Inn, or Best Western hotel experience? Well then Kearney is for you! They have several of each!

But what about fine dining? Well shoot - It doesn't get any finer than Perkins, does it?

Joking aside, if you do ever happen to find yourself with a day (or 2, as in our case) to kill in Kearney, you'd better do yourself a favor and head down to the Platte River Brewery. Adam brews up a fine selection of hand crafted brews in a cool little establishment just off Central avenue, across from the tracks. This place is solely responsible for me not going ballistic at being stuck here for two days... I can't WAIT to get the repair bill.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Lexington, NE

Here's a great riddle... What does a Jeep Cherokee transfer case (pictured here) and Lexington, Nebraska have in common? Answer: A problem with the first has led me to get to love the other, or something like that. Yes - Hank has taken a shit on me. Hopefully the problem is only a failed gasket in the transfer case. What ever it was, I coated I-80 with the transfer case fluid just seconds prior to making a high speed manouver across two lanes at 85mph to land us safely in lovely Lexington, NE. Fortunatly, Hank was properly stocked with Linenkugel's beer, lessening the blow of the mechanical failure. Also, the Vikes are IN THE PLAYOFFS as the reigning NFC North Champions, and the late game is a "Do or Die" for arch-rivals Denver and San Diego. Ho Ho! AND I don't have to drive until 2am to get home! Of course, this sucker might hit me for a grand or more in fix-it costs...

Saturday, December 27, 2008

That does it... Iowa Sux!

From the Iowa DOT:

I-380: Roadway is completely covered with ice.

The roadway is completely covered with ice. Towing services are prohibited.

Real nice. Per the last post - I LOVE THIS PLACE.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008


This is a photo of Northern Iowa on Saturday.Real nice place to be this time of year. Shortly after this was taken, the snowfall picked up, whipped to a frenzy by the 30 knot winds. Dandy. Just dandy. I love this place.

Stupid Pack.

Well, what I had hoped for last night looks a lot like what is happening in the picture below, it was not to be. Rather, the stinking Bears tied the game late, and then rolled over the witless pack in OT for an uncontested field goal to win the game. Just Dandy guys. I hope you loose to Detroit next week.

Monday, December 22, 2008


Ho HO! After a season of talking trash, the Vikes now need the Pack to destry the Bears tonight to grab a playoff slot. Knowing the sneaky pack, they'll pooch this just to spite the Purple Headed Warriors. Go Pack!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Snow in Colorado

Thanks to the State of Colorado DOT website,
I was able to do some recon on the road conditions across our lovely state this morning. This is a picture of Wolf Creek Pass north of Pagosa a short while ago. Looks nice. But what about heading north to I-70 through Grand Junction? Nice try, but no luck:

US 550 Red Mtn Pass
Existing Conditions: (sno)(icy)(snpk)
Restrictions in Place: CLOSED. Snow slide. Avalanche control crews working.
Comments: CLOSED. Snow slide. Avalanche control crews working.

Hmm - how about continuing through Pagosa straight west to I-25?

CO 17 Cumbres-La Manga passes
Existing Conditions: (icy)(snpk)
Restrictions in Place: Chains all commercial vehicles, including buses, vans 16+ capacity.
Comments: Chains all commercial vehicles, including buses, vans 16+ capacity.

Ok - we could try that. Let's see what it looks like in Pagosa:

Hmmmm - doesn't look good.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

18 inches of the Fresh.

FINALLY! I kick down a month ago on a BOLD and BEAUTIFUL piece of American engineering in the form of the Ariens Model 11528 Professional grade snow blower and I am forced to WAIT 3 weeks for the first real snowfall of the year. I would curse mother nature at this point, but that's about as lucky as mooning the vicker. How real you ask? Well, 18-19" inches of champagne powder here with more than 3 feet above 10,000ft. With 6-10 inches expected here tonight and more to follow tomorrow evening, WINTER IS ON here in the San Juan Mountains!! Woooo - Hooo! Believe it or not, we grilled steaks on these last night. The light was bad, but you can see the results of my morning's handiwork with the Snow Thrower in this photo. The white thing on the left is the car. Let it be know here, once and for all, that a Ford Focus Wagon IS HANDS DOWN THE WORST @#(*&^$@%^ VEHICLE I HAVE EVER - *EVER* - had the misfortune to have had to operate in snowy conditions. How serious am I about this? $3500 ask, $3250 if you tell me you saw it here first. 2001, DOHC, Cali Car, 112,000mi, auto, Serious AZ-grade Tint, 20-inch Lorenzar's, Street-Demon engine chip, twin 18" subs, 400W Pounding stereo, blood red shag roof / platinum white pleather interrior, dice, good-runner. This here is a very tense video sequence of the action earlier today out in the driveway. I had the Ariens Model 11528 Pro grade snow thrower locked into full 2-wheel drive for *FULL POWER*, which made turning the 200+ pound thing quite a challenge. As I complete the turn and am about to commit to another thrilling run down the driveway, I am surprised (happily) to see my good buddy and neighbor approching accompanied by the vicious, yet wise, attack-dog "Ari". As it turns out, he has been wrestling with his own machine all morning, trying to get it started so that he too can experience the "thrill of battle" with the flacid white foe laying at our feet. As can be seen, I pause my endeavor, and we take council. Ari, in his wisdom, suggests that we all meet at the site of the offending machine, and focus our energies on expelling the evil newt that has obviously taken residence in the fuel line over the summer. How wise, Ari... How wise. After some poking around, we dump PURE HIGH OCTANE FUEL striaght into the cylinder, replace the plug, and hit the start button. With a quiet fury born of Thor, the god of Thunder, the Yard King roars to life, it's throaty growl echoed in our cheers, and the ferocious barks of Ari.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Vikes Route Cardinals, put The Fear on the Bears.

Don't look now, but the Vikes are playing inspired football late in December. Chicago stepped up against New Orleans on Thursday night, making the game in AZ this weekend a "must win" for the nobel Purple Headed Warriors. The team aptly accepted the challenge, pounding the hapless Cardinals in what can only be described as a brutal mob-style hit in the desert. Ho Ho! With a win this Sunday against the Falcons, Chicago's season will be over, and the Vikes can prepare to shower themselves in post-season glory. It will be a tough game, even in the Dome. I look forward to watching the match from within the borders of the Northland. Sorry mom - I'll be drinking beers at your house on Sunday! In other news, the wayward Pack continues to wallow in shame, dropping yet another game in what has turned from a bad strech of track to a season gone completely off the rails. Truly a gift of Joy in this fine holiday season.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Sunrise this morning.

Taken from my POS camera phone. Sorry about the quality. This is east over the HD mountains (the old HD Ranch) towards Pagosa Springs.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

For Sale: Land Tamer Snow Cat

Hola Suckers! It's gettin' towards the time of year where ol' Lance is doing hisself a little Christmas Shopping. I bet you're wonderin' where a dude like Lance shops. We'll amigro, I'll let you in on my secret. Craigslist baby! Heeel yeah! There's more hot deals to be found there than at Pick n' Pull on "Half-off Wednesday". And just *LOOK* at what I found on the local D-Town list Ta-day! Dude - if you check the description here, you might notice that this thing COMES WITH PADDLES, MAN! I mean, this sucker FLOATS! I love the Honcho and all, but that baby would sink like a stone. This little beast has options for 8 MORE WHEELS and two different styles of track for winter trippin'! Man, I haven't been this excited about a machine since my neighbor put that for sale sign up on his '79 Ford Ranchero.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Worst Christmas Present EVER!

So I got to thinking, what would a really crap christmas present look like. After a little digging, I concluded that this CD, purchased from eBay, would be a strong contender for the WORST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER! A cat would be a close second. Seriously, 'nothing' might be a better gift than either of these things.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Guitar Hero - 'Cause you're too stupid to play real guitar

Yeah - work got me all riled up today, so a helping of "Early Grinch" is hitting the blog page. The title syas it all. I'll be the first to admit that I play terrible guitar, and that this video game is probably pretty fun. But a 'world tour'?! Please. Thast might be cool for the clown in the photo. I'll stick to late night air-guitar versions of Freebird. Rock!

Monday, December 8, 2008

College Bowl Time! - Naming rights SUCK!

While the controversy over who is really #1 in 2008 College Football, and wither Teaxs got screwed or not rages, I call your attention to the travesty that the sale of Bowl game naming rights has had on the Holiday Season. Gone are the Rose Bowl, The Sugar Bowl, and the Orange Bowl which actually gave you a clue as to who might be playing in them. In place is a bunch of corporate brand-name garbage. *Note* the Cotton Bowl has somehow managed not have some tacky corporate name added on to it's traditional moniker. Something strange is afoot in Dallas...

In no particular order, here are some of my favorites.

Navy vs Wake Forest - EAGLEBANK BOWL
HUH? Eaglebank? Must be a regional S&L with an HQ in the Cayman's or something.

South Florida vs Memphis - MAGICJACK ST. PETERSBURG BOWL
What the shit? MajickCat? Like Cat Stevens?

Rutgers vs North Carolina State - PAPAJOHNS.COM BOWL
Their pizza sucks, and so does their Bowl name. Extra Cheese, please.

No. 21 Missouri at No. 23 Northwestern - VALERO ALAMO BOWL
Aye - Arribbbe, Andele, Arribbe, Vamanos! Aye!

but what does it *MEAN*?

No. 24 Boston College at Vanderbilt - GAYLORD HOTELS MUSIC CITY BOWL
Awww Coach, Do we have to go play in this one?

No. 22 Ball State vs Tulsa - GMAC BOWL
I realize this is G-M-A-C, but it looks like G-Mac - perhaps a new McDonalds menu offering appealing to trendy hip-hop styled youth culture? An Apple laptop endorsed by Snoop Dog?

And my least favorite:
It's the Rose Bowl, suckers. No wonder your getting a bailout.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

The Holiday Season.

Ahhh... Thanksgiving. What a great time of year. I give most thanks this year for the graceless belly-flop that the pack has taken,and the decent football that the Vikes have been putting on display. (OK, so they almost pooched it today in Detroit, but they held strong). Being alone on Thanksgiving, I headed down to my boy Chris' house for some festive celebration. This Hombre is a master chef, so I was pretty stoked on the meal we would be eating. This is the 23lb turkey that homebay had the CAJONES to do up on the grill. As always my friend, my hat is off to you. This is a great shot of me early in the afternoon explaining the multi-dimensional thoery we had in place for the grilling of the bird. The celebration was a complete success, and except for getting hit in the mouth by a snowball and the neighbors bitching to his land lord about the late-nite gunfire, everything went off without a hitch. On Friday, I decided to set up the christmas tree as a surprise for Erica. Here it is in all of its glory on Saturday morning when the sun came out. I followed this picture with a nice run, followed by a breakfast of hot coffee, biscuits, gravy, green chili, eggs, and a sour cream. Now that's good livin'.

This here is shot of the sunset down the Florida river valley on Friday night while I was coming home. Not to shabby.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Jared Allen's Mullett - in his own words.

I'll have to admit that I was a little afraid of the ferocious mullet that Vikes Defensive End Jared Allen had on display last Sunday evening when they whipped the Bears. By halftime, it looked like he had gone to the barber, refused the clippers, and had the haircut done with a beltsander. I am fully willing to excuse him for the fashion faux-pas that the haircut embodies based on the intimidating force that he brings to the Vikes line.Also, now residing in the Northland, the mullet has a sort of "hometown" flavor to it that likely endears him to all residing north of I-494. In particular, I have heard of a very popular social group, "Jared's little Allens" that has taken off up in Forest Lake. The mission statement outlines a "fanclub and social group" which in reality manifests itself as a Sunday afternoon excercise in binge drinking at the 'Little Dipper' bar & Bait Shop on the north side of Lake 2.

But what does the man himself have to say about his sense of hair style? Check out this video below.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

What are they up to now? - BRIAN BOSWORTH a.k.a "The BOZ"

I don't know what got me thinking about our old boy Bosworth (aka The Boz) but once I did, I figured he was a shoe-in for this on-going joke of mine (Click the Labels link below for the rest of the posts). The Boz is seen here back in his glory days when hie played "John Stone" in the half-assed thriller "Stone Cold". This movie is so weak that it is no longer even considered for the mid-afternoon Saturday slot on USA network. Like his football career, The Boz's film career came to an abrupt end shortly after "Stone Cold" exited the theater it played in.

So what is such a fine actor as The Boz up to now, you ask? Why, good thing you did! Our friends at IMDB indicate that he has just put a wrap on a new movie starring none other than Gary Busey! With this "power duo", how could the end product cease to suck? Anyway - the movie is called, "Down and Distance". The plot is described below:

"An immature football coach's life is falling apart. Marital problems, mounting gambling debts, unemployment, two children who are distancing themselves from him and an aging father. He has the opportunity to get back to coaching college football if he can get his youth football team to win their championship game. So he breaks all the rules to make it to the finals, where he must confront an old rival with a powerhouse team and his conscience has to decide if it's about winning or fair play."

Hmm - If I didn't know who was in it, I might just geive it the benefit of the doubt. However, understanding that it stars NOT ONLY The Boz, but the illustrious (and bat-Shit Crazy) Mr. Busey, I can't help but feel that this sucker's gonna go over like a ripe fart in church.

Well done, Boz! 'A' for effort buddy!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Vikes take lead in NFC North, Shame Bears and Pack

What a great end to a great 4 day vacation. In addition to the Pack entering a nebulous late season quagmire of hopelessness and despair (seriously - they gave up 86 points in the last two weeks?!? HA!), the Vikes played a FOOTBALL game and pounded the punk Bears on national TV. This happy event puts the 7-5 Vikes on top of the NFC north with the Bears back at 6-6 and the lowly pack licking themselves at 5-7. ho Ho! The only drawback to the game was my old boy from Fargo, Jimmy Kleinsausser, getting the TD he scored called back. Also of note was the disturbing haircut on display by Jared Allen. The "Power Mullett" was truly a site to see, and will be the subject of more scrutiny here in the future. If you are so inclined, highlights of the glorious rout of the hapless bears can be seen here.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Pack bites it at Lambeau!

Poor Pack. With a 35-31 loss at home today, they are assured to fall two games behind the winner of tonight's match between the Bears & the Vikes in Minnestrohta.A late season nose dive by the effeminate Packers is just the thing to remind me never to sigh and say "Next year, Vikes" before December. Ho Ho!


Wednesday, November 26, 2008

*Now* I am ready for winter.

Avid fans of my ramblings may recall a few weeks back when I claimed that I was not ready for winter yet. Well, now I am!

Lo, and Behold! The Ariens model 11528 professional model snow thrower. Tagged with an 11.5hp engine, the manufacturer's claim is that this BEAST will throw even the wettest snow more than 50ft with gusto. Not only am I ready for winter, I can't wait for it to snow! My buddy Corbet up the hill just bought the Honda equivalent (seen here in a bizarre "Action Display" that could only be meaningful in some snow-devoid place like the Sahara or something). He has the advantage of the fully tracked drive system, however, I have the raw power of the Tecumseh big boy engine in my court. At some point, we'll have to run them side by side and see which is king. This, of course, is after the GB Packers that he loves so much (the dude is from Mad-Town) take an awful late season nose-dive leaving the NFC north to the Vikes & bears. The beauty is that I picked this guy up from a co-worker under what could be best described as "Friendly Terms".

To celebrate the season and this joyous occasion, I stopped on the way home and grabbed a 6'er of this season's Winter Ale from Anchor Steam Brewing. I am a long standing fan of the Anchor offerings, and this seasonal, as expected, delivers. I would highly recommend it this holiday season.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Saints *CRUSH* the pack on Monday Nitro!

There are few things better than a nationally televised beating of the Green Bay Packers.Even better is the 51-29 BITCH-SLAPPING that was delivered down in the Bayeux last night. Poor pack. At 5-6, they are now a GAME BEHIND both the Vikes and the Bears. Those two meet next Sunday night at the Dome. The Vikes better be out for blood. The Pack will be facing the fearsome AZ Cardinals at Lambeau next week. Anything is possible the way the AZ has been plying. I would LOVE to see the pack take a nose dive right now. Suckers.

Monday, November 24, 2008

G n f'n R Album released!

Hola Amigro's! Yo soy "El LanceO" y mi gusto Rock n' Roll!

Heeeel yeah bro! G n' F'n R! Back in the saddle with some ass-kicking rock! I can't wait to go get this thing. I'll have to roll to Farmington in the Honcho though - dude, it's on sale for only 11 bones down at best Buy! Can't beat that, even with a stick. So I told you about the tape deck in the Honcho eating my "Lies" tape, right? Well, good thing it did, 'cause I replaced that sucker with a fly KRACO brand CD player from parts world here in D-Town. Yeah baby. That thing pumps! Dude - only $19! Lance is down with the deal, pardner!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Animas Forks

I decided to take the truck and run up to Animas Forks, an old Ghost Town above Silverton. It is supposed to snow later in the week, so this is probably the last chance I had to drive up there. The town sits at 11,200ft and the road is not maintained in the winter season.
The snow was very dry, and it crushed into a sand-like consistency under the tires. I *REALY* did not want to get stuck, so I parked just below the townsite and walked up. It was pretty cool to poke around all alone up there, and to think what is was like for those old miners back in 1884. The Mill that was built there at one time had a 12,000ft long cable tramway to haul ore from the mine down to town. Amazing. The mill itself cost $500,000 to build in 1884. Adjusted for inflation, that's like $700 Billion dollars or something.
The air was cold at 11,000ft, but the Colorado sun was warm in the southern sky. Comming down, the ice on the road was glistening with a fine sheen of water. I took it real slow, and had to stop to help two dudes in a front-wheel drive minivan from Arizona get their vehicle turned around. They *almost* parked it up there for the season.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Not Ready for winter yet.

We had a really nice fall around here. The first snow has fallen (twice) already, but I am not ready for winter yet.

This was Red mountain Pass on the 28th of September.

We undertook the mammoth project flipping the deck boards, re-building the railing, and staining the whole thing.

You can see here that it really needed some work.

It came out very well. Erica made the chairs and table seen here.

Friday, November 7, 2008

California's Prop 8.

Check it out - Here's a grainy cellphone photo of my buddy kilian in action out in San Fran this past weekend protesting the defeat of Cali's Proposition 8. From the photo, it appears that he is standing on the balcony of some sort of bordello or bath house, or perhaps the deck of infamous "Men's Room" down in the Castro. Nice Mirrored Shades, bro. Good choice. No one would expect YOU to be wearing dork shit like that...

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Halloween revisited.

BEHOLD! Below you have THE incarnation of "Joe 6-pack" - one of the notorious cast of characters from the 2008 presidential campaign. As you can tell instantly from the photo, the character below accurately captures the "Every Man" aspect of 6-pack to a 'T'. Note the 6'er of homebrew to share with the neighbors. A true friend-in-deed is Mr. 6-pack.
And what have we here?! Hi little Gnome buddy! Aren't you cute with your tiny Gnome wheel-barrow.
Look! 2 gnomes! Yes - while wandering the streets of Durango late Friday night, we happened upon another Gnome!! After an exhuberant 10 minute conversation in frenzied Icelandic, it came out that the Grey Gnome had failed to return a small trowel that he had borrowed from the shed of the Green Gnome's half brother, Uli. Gnomes DESPISE tardiness in returning borrowed tools, and the Green Gnome had to be held back from pummeling the Grey Gnome and threatened to SHAVE HIS BEARD. Boy, she was hot, I'll tell you. In the end, the green Gnome declared a thumb war, and a vicious four round battle ensued. It ended in a draw, after which both Gnomes bowed to each other, and left to look for more good times.
It is possible that I was assocating late Friday evening with some of the characters in this last picture. You will likely not be able to discern who these people might be, due to the epic nature and skilled application of their cunning disguises.ROCK!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Barak Obama!

Oh yeah. I havn't had that much fun on election night in a LONG TIME. To celebrate the Democratic ass-whipping of the GOP, I brewed up a batch of the "Obamanos IPA" while listening to election results on NPR. The initial specific gravity came in at 1.066, and it was LIBERALLY hopped with six ounces of the proper green goodness.

This is a bumper sticker that was posted in the front window of the Hemp Store in Santa Fe this past weekend. My prediction... Sen. stevens wins re-election up in the AK, and then is booted from the senate due to the minor issue of his 7 FELONY CONVICTIONS. As the Gub-a-nator, I belive it is up to Ms. Palin to appoint a successor. Hmmmm, whom could she possibly pick for a spot in the national political game...... Look out DC, here she comes like that new year's day hangover.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

CNN election estimates - Oct 29, 2008.

For your electoral update and personal enjoyment, I give to you a summary of current CNN estimates and some smooth Reggae music to chill to (including a cat stevens cover...). Why the "nightly nooze" is not this p-i-m-p is beyond me. So check:

This is the current CNN estimate of how the states will choose. You will note a commanding lead by Senator Obama and a relativly weak showing for Sen. McCain. This does not make me sad.

This next graph is the CNN estimate of how some of the undecided's will fall.
O-B-A-M-A !

Monday, October 27, 2008

Lance's Presidential Endorsement

All right - It's down to the bottom of this campaign season, and I thought y'all might like to hear what this "Joe Six-pack" has to say on things. I mean, guys like me, we aren't used to getting the nod from total babes like that crazy hot govenor of Alaska. And man, she speaks to me, you know?! Lance doesn't need a translator to hear what she's sayin' when she talks about real American's. Heel yeah bro! Lance is down with that kind of talk. But I have to say that what really got me was this picture below. It is the highschool yearbook photo of palin's Daughter, and her totally righteous boyfriend. Dude reminds me of what i was like back then. Too bad I didn't have a totally hot girlfriend, bun in the oven or not.
Yeah - check that dude's style. Smooth Operator for sure.

Friday, October 24, 2008


Will Farrel as W. from a prime time episode of SNL last night. My favorite quote: W- "I tried to come off folksy, but it came across as douchy".

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

G n f'n R Album to be released!

Check it out, Hombres! It's Lance Rappin' your airwaves once again. And, man, I have got some KILLER good news! After a seventeen year drought, G n' F'n R is comming through with some new rock! And just in time too, man! You know I love the honcho, but that bastard ATE MY "LIES" tape last week. Yeah man, can you believe it?! I musta' got some dust in the cassette deck when I was rollin' that beauty down in New Mex a few weeks back. Man, was I bummed about loosing that classic. You know I'm rockin' it when those tunes come on. Here's what I am catchin' about the Album so far, "The album, “Chinese Democracy,” will go on sale Nov. 23 at Best Buy stores and online as part of an exclusive deal, the chain and Guns N’ Roses’ record label, Geffen, announced, confirming rumors that have been circulating in the music press for weeks. It will be the first new album in 17 years by the band, which has sold more than 42 million albums in the United States, according to the Recording Industry Association of America."

17 years, man! I mean, I used to rock it back in High School to that noise. Hell Yeah - those were the daze... Cool times, cool cars, cool bros, and "Sweet Child o' Mine" blasting on the Boom box. I even found a sweet photo for ya from my senior year. Hank Williams Jr., High School, class of '93. You can pretty much tell from this picture that I totally rocked it back then.